When my mom visited with me last month, a book with a bright orange cover titled “How to be sick” caught her attention. She exclaimed, “Who wants to be sick?” and left the room.

I followed her as she left the room and attempted to answer that rhetorical question. “I don’t think anyone wants to be sick, but we will all be sick at some point in our lives. We all get sick, grow old and die. It is inevitable. How do we want to be when we fall sick and not get better?”

I picked this book up in 2017 when my health went spiralling out of control. I was having seizures every night. I was banging into doors and was losing my spatial sense. I was having blackouts during the day.

I started losing my memory and cognitive functions. I couldn’t make sense of any information. I reached a tipping point at work when I froze in a meeting, unable to comprehend what was happening. I took a month off to figure out what was going on.

Multiple doctor visits, blood tests, and scans revealed nothing. I was in a limbo. I had to get back to work and find out what was happening to my body and mind. I was exhausted from taking it day by day. I couldn’t even handle things even on a minute-by-minute basis.

I was confused, lost and sick.

One day, as I was coming out of a blackout, which seemed to happen with a frightening frequency every day, I was rummaging through my bookshelf when I found this slip of paper amongst my books.

I picked the serenity prayer when I spent a day in Westminster Abbey while living in London. The scrap of paper picked up three years ago nudged something in my heart. I realised that I couldn’t control what was happening to my body. But I could learn to work with my mind while I explored ways to get well.

I went to Amazon and ordered a few books on meditation, and this was one of the books. This caught my eye, as I was sick at that time. I didn’t know how to get well but wanted to learn how to be sick.

Despite struggling to process information and being unable to read, I took this book and slowly made my way through it. The main thing that made an impression on me then was that practising meditation would help me manage my inner life.

Who is this book for?

“How To Be Sick” by Toni Bernhard is  ‘A Buddhist Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers’.

This book is primarily written for those

• Who are ill and won’t get better

• Who love them and suffer along with them in wishing things were different

Some of us get better. Some of us don’t.

Illness is a bit of a funny subject. We don’t want to read about illness when we are well and in a good space. One doesn’t want to jinx the wellness by talking about illness. Talking about illness is a taboo, along with death, sex and money.

What is this book about?

This book is more than about being sick.

This book, written by Toni Bernhard, straddles the memoir, self-help, and Buddhist-related book genres. Toni, a University Law Professor, falls sick while on a dream vacation to Paris with her husband, Tony. Much to their bewilderment, she doesn’t recover but stays sick.

Toni, a long-time meditator, has to dive deep into her inner resources to cope with being sick. She finds that she can no longer do formal practices or retreats. She has to make “being sick” the core of her practice and figure out how to live while unwell.

Three things stand out to me about this book.

“On-the-Spot” Practices

Most practices in the book are “on-the-spot” practices. These are practices that we can use while being in the middle of a difficult situation. She gives us a set of tools (concepts and practices) and urges us to be flexible in using these tools when working with ourselves.

Map of Buddhist Concepts

This is as much an “Introduction to Buddhism(s)” as it is about how to cope with being sick. Toni picks up important concepts across various lineages and traditions of Buddhist teachings and explores them in this book.

A Helpful Guide

At the end of the book is a helpful compilation of practices that she references throughout the book. She lists them and the context and the situations in which they can be used. This is helpful if we use this book as a guide to help us navigate sickness and wellness.

Also, for the curious-minded who wish to delve deeper into the concepts, teachings, teachers and books referenced in the book, she lists a bibliography at the end of the book.

Exploration of the book

In the subsequent few editions, I will explore some of the topics and concepts that came out for me in this book. If you are a paid subscriber, you can access all the posts every Friday. And for free subscribers, you will have access to the occasional posts.

Write to Me!

I’d love to know if you will pick this book up to read. If you have a chronic illness, please do let me know what would be helpful topics to cover as I write this newsletter.

As a parting thought, I will finish this edition with a story.

Just Go to Sleep

Gasan was sitting at the bedside of Tekisui three days before his teacher’s passing. Tekisui had already chosen him as his successor.

A temple had recently burned, and Gasan was busy rebuilding the structure. Tekisui asked him: “What will you do when you get the temple rebuilt?”

“When your sickness is over, we want you to speak there,” said Gasan.

“Suppose I do not live until then?”

“Then we will get someone else,” replied Gasan.

“Suppose you cannot find anyone?” continued Tekisui.

Gasan answered loudly: “Don’t ask such foolish questions. Just go to sleep.”