How To Live With Ease (On A Bed Of Arrows)

How to be sick (5/5)

March 08, 2024

As I am writing this edition of the newsletter, I have been rubbing my eyes, which have been itching for the past couple of hours. I also have a scratchy throat and sniffles.

One annoying thing about a cold is that I feel disproportionately miserable! Because it is uncomfortable. As I rubbed my eyes for the past hour, my mind went off quickly in rapid-fire fashion, exploring various thought trains.

“Is this Covid or an allergy? What is the difference between Covid, common cold and allergy?”

“Should I get rasam made for the afternoon if this is a cold?”

“Can I take an antihistamine right now, get ahead of this cold, and not wait until night?”

“I hate steaming! I hope this is not cold.”

So far, all I’ve had is a bit of a scratchy throat, itchy eyes and a mild case of sniffles. I’ve given you a sample of my thought train.

As I started writing this, I realised I could sit with it and see what this experience of “not feeling well” feels like.

When I sat with it for a minute, I noticed other things. I was feeling sleepy; there was a drooping pressure behind my eyes. I was hungry; my stomach was wanting food. Apart from a mild sensation in my nose, everything else seemed fine.

Going off into thought trains used to be my well-worn neural pathway, as I prided myself on being a problem solver - in life and at work. But this trait is helpful to assess possibilities and options once I am able to see what the reality is.

Often, these thought trains obscure the reality of the moment when I don’t take the time to pause and check in to see what is going on.

This will be the last in the multi-part series of newsletters where we explored “How To Be Sick”: A Buddhist Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers” by Toni Bernhard.

I want to focus on the three key points that distil the book’s essence in this newsletter edition.

1. Frame the Helpful Beliefs

2. Work with the Emotional Suffering

3. Interdependence instead of Independence and Co-Dependence

Frame the Helpful Beliefs

We all have beliefs, and they frame our understanding of how the world works. They are the foundational blocks in which we understand ourselves, our relationship with others and the world.

There are various approaches to “healing” when working with physical suffering. You can approach “healing” or “cure” using traditional Western medicine, indigenous medicine (Naturopathy, Ayurveda, Siddha, etc ), energy work practices (pranic healing, reiki, shamanism, chakra healing etc), physical practices (yoga asana, qi gong, tai chi), meditative practices, changing what we eat and how we eat, changing how we live and our approach to digital living.

In my journey of healing and recovery, I have had to confront some of my beliefs that were no longer applicable to the situation. I have had to expand and experiment with my beliefs, like clothes, to see what would fit in and what wouldn’t.

Radical changes in diets or eating were a big no-no, as I discovered after some experimentation. It needed too many changes that I wasn’t willing to face or make. So I had to put that aside and see the middle path I would walk with. I was finally able to get to an approach that would prove helpful for my condition.

It is widely believed that Yoga is great for chronic fatigue. However, a few sessions with a yoga therapist left me in a lot more pain than I started. After experimenting with a few teachers, I have parked yoga aside because my body doesn’t seem to support it right now. Tentatively, I explored Tai Chi, which my body seems to like better. If I were “attached” to an Indian way of doing things, I wouldn’t have explored Tai Chi at all.

The challenge happens when I get too attached to a way of living or healing; then, I will likely sideline other approaches that could work. My journey has been about holding the beliefs but holding them loosely. Be prepared to discard what brings too much pain and stick to the ones that give you some ease in life.

Work with the Emotional Suffering

We explored the two arrows of suffering teachings in an earlier edition. This has been an important skill to cultivate. I’ve been practising identifying when I am striking myself with second, third, and hundred arrows of mental and emotional suffering. I use my formal meditation practice and reflection as a training ground to cultivate awareness of the second arrow. It has taken years, and now I can strike myself with a second arrow, but I can stop inserting more arrows into the mix!

When I overexert my body and land in bed with acute pain, I am learning not to beat myself up so badly that I multiply my pain. I am learning to accept, let go and learn from my actions. I still have a long way to go, and this book has helped reiterate that the suffering of the mind needs active work.

Working with emotional suffering skillfully has helped me to identify and separate this from physical suffering. Then, the physical suffering becomes more manageable and more precise to work with.

Interdependence instead of Co-Dependence or Independence

As Toni poignantly highlights in the book, it can become severely limiting on many occasions for the chronically ill. Learning to accept the help that comes our way and to give in our own ways helps bring a lot of ease and contentment into life.

I have always had a solid image of being “independent” and “strong”. When I started to experience the limitations of my multiple health challenges, I learnt that people are not “mind-readers”. And if I need something, I have to ask, and I have to be very specific about my ask.

I also had to learn to work with “No” when I asked for help, and it could not be given. These were a big blow to my solid image of being “independent” and “strong.” The flip side is, “I wouldn’t ask you if I badly needed it.”

Learning not to take things personally and permanently helps maintain relationships even when sick. I have had to learn to go beyond myself and be there for others the best way I can.

I am learning the middle path between independence and co-dependence, which is interdependence.

What’s Next?

Our next book is an easy read and is a page-turner. It illustrates how the practice of meditation and opening heart helped a neurosurgeon. It has got a striking book cover, too!

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Write to Me!

I have been writing this newsletter since November last year, and I would love to know in one word your experience of the newsletter so far.

As a parting thought, I will finish this edition with a story.

A Matter of Perspective

Provided he makes and wins an argument about Buddhism with those who live there, any wandering monk can remain in a Zen temple. If he is defeated, he has to move on.

In a temple in northern Japan, two brother monks were dwelling together. The elder one was learned, but the younger one was stupid and had but one eye.

A wandering monk came and asked for lodging, properly challenging them to a debate about the sublime teaching. The elder brother, tired that day from much studying, told the younger one to take his place. “Go and request the dialogue in silence,” he cautioned.

So, the young monk and the stranger sat down at the shrine.

Shortly afterwards, the traveller rose, went in to the elder brother, and said: “Your young brother is a wonderful fellow. He defeated me.”

“Relate the dialogue to me,” said the elder one.

“Well,” explained the traveller, “first, I held up one finger, representing Buddha, the enlightened one. So he held up two fingers, signifying Buddha and his teaching. I held up three fingers, representing Buddha, his teaching, and his followers, living a harmonious life. Then he shook his clenched fist in my face, indicating that all three come from one realisation. Thus, he won, so I have no right to remain here.” With this, the traveller left.

“Where is that fellow?” asked the younger one, running into his elder brother.

“I understand you won the debate.”

“Won nothing. I’m going to beat him up.”

“Tell me the subject of the debate,” asked the elder one.

“Why, the minute he saw me, he held up one finger, insulting me by insinuating that I have only one eye. Since he was a stranger I thought I would be polite to him, so I held up two fingers, congratulating him that he has two eyes. Then, the impolite wretch held up three fingers, suggesting that we only have three eyes between us. So I got mad and started to punch him, but he ran out, and that ended it!”