Beyond The Pain: Working With Our Thoughts

Writing this article on Valentine’s Day takes me back to another Valentine’s Day a decade back.

I had a therapy session after work on that particular day. I had been going through a prolonged period of depression, and I entered therapy a few months ago. That particular week was brutal. I couldn’t summon any energy to get out of bed or drag myself to work. The dreary, cold London weather was helping my mood and energy. I was coming back home at 5 pm and would hit the bed and not move until the next day morning.

Early that week, my friend Karl asked me what I was doing on Valentine’s Day. I said I had therapy, and I wasn’t looking forward to that. He asked, “Would you like to go out with me in the evening as friends?”

“I don’t think I will be good company. The sessions are hard…I don’t know, Karl. I don’t want to ruin your evening.”

“I will pick you up after your appointment. We will walk by South Bank. We will grab some street food, and we can get back. There is nothing you have to do. You just be you. I don’t want you to be on your own.”

Karl understood what was happening with me and was willing to be there for me. After a hard session, I met with him, walked around South Bank, had some food, and returned home.

That day changed what I thought about Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t have to be a romantic evening. It seems obvious now in hindsight, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to become aware that this is what I was thinking about Valentine’s Day. A dear friend was willing to show his love for me by being there.

What does skilful mean?

When you fall sick for a long time and life is filled with uncertainty, it provides fertile ground to shake up some beliefs that have sunk deep roots like weeds and refuse to be taken out under ordinary circumstances.

Living and managing chronic illness has allowed me to examine the beliefs I hold. Examine them to see if they are skilful, wise and helpful to me at that moment. I had to learn to adopt attitudes.

Skillful means it doesn’t add to the already existing pain. Skilful attitudes help to work with the situation as it is, without adding in the past and the present, and to take action from a place of compassion and love. Skilful is not driven by fear but by wisdom.

Accept & Reframe Stressful Thoughts

In the book “How to be Sick”, Toni Bernhard introduces the reader to various ways that have helped her to cope with chronic illness. One of the main ways in which we adopt skilful or wise attitudes is to work with our thoughts. Toni brings forth teachings by Byron Katie, popularly known as “The Work”, to work with our thoughts.

“The Work” is a tool to make peace with our life as it is in the present moment. The Work helps us to identify stressful thoughts, question them and make a turnaround of those stressful thoughts skillfully. When I first read about “The Work”, it seemed very similar to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and is a tool we can use on our own without the aid of a therapist.

In the book, Toni describes using the turnaround for her persistent thought, “I am sick.” As she kept working with the four questions and turnaround, she gave us some skilful turnarounds for her condition.

Resistance To The Work

This is a tool that has been challenging for me to use. 

Sometimes, I don’t have the energy or the inclination to work with my thoughts. I want to stay with whatever challenging thought or feeling arises because I think it is true.

Noticing this resistance has been the work for me; sometimes, I just let it be the way it is. I don’t try to force myself to change a thought or work with it, although I do unconsciously do it a lot, and most of them unskillfully. But working with it consciously has taken years. I was introduced to The Work in 2017 and even have worksheets filled in with it. However, I resisted working with my thoughts actively until recently. It has taken years of therapy, meditation and inner work to cut through the massive mountain of resistance.

If I short-circuit the process of working with my feelings by either intellectualising them or not staying with them, then it becomes hard to work with the thoughts.

Doorways to Our Thoughts

We all need to find ways to work with our thoughts and our doorways to it. Toni introduces various ways available in the Buddha’s teachings and other teachers like Byron Katie to explore and see what could work for us.

It is helpful to remember that our thoughts may not always be true, and we have a choice regarding what to select and focus our attention on. We may not be able to prevent the arising of thoughts of various nature, but what we choose to water and nurture may well be more within our control than we realise.

Exploration of the book

We will continue exploring this book in the next edition, too.

Write to Me!

I’d love to know if you will pick this book up to read. If you have a chronic illness, please do let me know what would be helpful topics to cover as I write this newsletter.

As a parting thought, I will finish this edition with a story.

When Sun Shines and When It Rains

One day, a Zen Master, walking on the road, passed by an older woman seated under a tree crying loudly.

The Master approached her and asked, “Why are you crying, dear woman?”

The woman replies, “Master, I have two daughters. The older one sells umbrellas, and the younger one sells shoes.”

The Master says, “Your daughters are gainfully employed. Why are you crying then?”

The woman replies, “On the day it rains, the younger one cannot sell shoes, and on a sunny day, the older one cannot make a living as no one wants to buy an umbrella.”

The Master laughs and says, “Oh, dear woman. You can laugh when it rains because your older daughter can sell umbrellas, and you can laugh on sunny days because your younger daughter can sell shoes.”

Listening to the Master, the woman was enlightened. And since then, she has sat and laughed under the tree daily, rejoicing in her daughters’ happiness.